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Readers emails

My friend and correspondent ‘Glade Rover’ sends an excerpt from a Scots Magazine

Now for those of you unfamiliar with the publication it is a fairly douce, Presbyterian affair with articles from and about Scotland. Much loved by older folk, in fact Glade Rover’s mother used to take my old mum her old copies.

So you get the idea that it is a fairly conservative, if not anodyne brochure. Imagine my shock therefore when I checked the page GR sent:

It’s the miscellaneous column which is curious:

Just below the dating ad is one for tawse. The tawse was otherwise known as the belt and was for many decades the primary implement for negotiation between teachers and children. If the child didn’t do what he was told (girls didn’t tend to get the belt) the teacher would severely whack the child over the hands with it – usually three on each hand. It was sore….damned sore. It would render your hands pretty useless for any school work for at least twenty minutes until the stinging subsided (yes from personal experience)
I found this rather disturbing (on so many levels!) film to illustrate what a Lochgelly tawse’s role was in asserting teachers’ authority in the bad old days – i.e. when I was at school. Mind you, the chap receiving the punishment here looks a bit too old to be wearing short troosers!

Click to see the tawse in action

Anyway, I’m quite amused because the foremost dealer in Scotland for these implements is one Neil Rankine (see BLFP passim), former owner of Dumbarton FC and current owner of Livingston FC. He lives in the 01383 STD code area so it’s probably he who placed the ad. I notice his partner had a comment on the film above.


I’m sure a butt marker is quite an innocent item and is quite unrelated to tawse.

And I’m still getting over the Scots Magazine having a dating advert!


Ooh! You are awful!

An email arrives fae Colin the piper.

12 of the finest double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator – ‘This is really a lovely filly. I once rode her mother.’

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’

3.. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – ‘And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – ‘Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.’

5. US PGA Commentator – ‘One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .. Oh my god !! What have I just said??’

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: ‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said: ‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ‘

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ‘Sky Sports’: ‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ‘They seem cold out there. They’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.’

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.’

More Readers Emails

Once again from regular BLFP ‘spotter’ John O’Hare:

The Associated Press
Saturday, January 1, 2011; 2:08 PM

BUCHAREST, Romania — Romania has changed its labor laws to officially recognize witchcraft as a profession, prompting one self-described witch to threaten retaliation.

The move, which went into effect Saturday, is part of the government’s drive to crack down on widespread tax evasion in a country that is in recession.

In addition to witches, astrologists, embalmers, valets and driving instructors are now considered by labor law to be working real jobs, making it harder for them to avoid income tax.

For months the measure had been debated, protested by witches and mocked by the media.

On Saturday, a witch called Bratara told Realitate.net, the website of a top TV station, that she plans to cast a spell using black pepper and yeast to create discord in the government.

More Readers’ Emails

A combination of being busy and not having too much inspiration explains the lack of postings in recent days. Thanks then to occasional correspondent Bill Stevenson who points me in the direction of this old TV interview with Gail Sheridan. Gail postulates that although Tommy is an atheist, there are many similarities between Christianity and socialism. She also opines that Tommy will ‘Go to heaven because he is so good’. There is no time scale or method mentioned by which Tommy will arrive there though. Bill suggests that there may be a few ironic comments of public interest.

Also in touch has been Brian Cairnduff with his latest ‘An elephant cant’ epistle from forargyll.com

AnElephantCant stay warm in winter
He has trouble finding bed-socks his size
He needs a giant hotty
To warm his mammoth botty
And his duvet’s a big top in disguise

To wrap up AnElephant is not easy
He has tusks and big ears and a tail
It takes more than aspirin
To stop him a-gasp-er-ing
But on the bright side he is robust and not frail

AnElephantCant shake a head cold
An earache brings great consternation
So when he comes near
The thing we most fear
Is the prospect of giant sternutation

Yes when he sneezes it is like a tornado
Or an earthquake and this is the truth
His explosive emissions
Guarantee demolition
Of windows and chimneys and roofs

So AnElephant is best kept indoors
When the sleet and the snow start to fall
A wee drop of toddy
Safeguards his old body
And brings safety and comfort to all

A 2010 Christmas gift from AnElephantCant, verse from Brian Cairnduff, image from Phil Burns.

Readers’ Emails

This comes from Toronto Tam.

Mo Johnson

Thomas Craig

I am out of the loop with your reference to The Murdoch Mysteries but it does remind me of a funny story. As you may know the series is a Canadian production and was filmed here in Toronto. The English actor Tom Craig was living in the beach area of To and joined my club, The Balmy Beach Club for the summer so that he had a place to hang out and have a few beers and enjoy the patio overlooking the lake. Once the initial euphoria, for those weird folks that watch Coronation St., wore off, he was left pretty much to enjoy the place. He had been over 3 maybe 4 summers to shoot the series and I had chatted with him a few times. When I walked in last summer for a beer, a guy was standing at the bar and he says to me “hey mate aren’t ye talkin to me” I said “oh hi Tommy I wasn’t sure if it was you or if it was” and before I could finish he said, “don’t tell me, Mo Johnson right?”

He then went on to tell me that all the previous summer people kept asking him if he was Mo, who was at that time a Manager with Toronto FC and who lived in the same area and was also a member of the club. He said that he knew of Mo Johnson but had never actually met him. Then one day a guy stopped him on Queen St. and says to him, “I know you, you’re that guy” and before he could finish Tommy says “Mo Johnson”. To which the guy replied, “No mate you look like that guy from……….from Coronation St. that guy Tommy” So Tommy says “you are bang on, that’s exactly who I am” glad at last that someone finally recognised him as himself. At which the guys uses words to the effect “Aye that’ll be right, piss off then mate” and walks off down the street. Tom says there he was standing dumbfounded and muttering after the guy “It’s me, it really is me you know” Anyway Rab it was funny when he told the story, maybe the beers helped a lot.

“The Balmy Beach Club” – Tam d’you think they could franchise this idea for Helensburgh? Ed

Readers Emails

Regular correspondent Claret and Amber (also responsible for the Captain Beefheart freak out tribute concept) sends me these wise words, under the heading ‘Zen Sarcasm’.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal
your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be

5. Always
remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of
your car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you
have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night

And whilst on the subject of readers emails, BLFP correspondent Kenny thought I’d enjoy this!

Readers’ Emails

First in a series where readers can submit their problems for discussion.

Dear BLFP,

I realise that Julian Assange has many followers and supporters. There have been many debates about Wikileaks over recent days but the general intellectual consensus is that Mr Assange is providing a great service for the common good, he is a sincere and worthy individual and that various governments are conspiring against him.

As such he is no doubt a folk hero.

My problem is that every time I see his pompous, smug, irritating, whiny and obnoxious coupon I immediately want to break all my knuckles before I desist from punching him.

Yours sincerely,

Col. Reggie Mental (Rtd)