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The Nutter on the Train

Mrs Rab and my older daughter are on their way back from Manchester where they attended a Muse concert at the Etihad Stadium last night. Muse are, I am informed,a popular beat combo.

Anyhoo I just got a text to say that they were sat adjacent to ‘the nutter’ on the train but that fortunately he (the nutter) had got off at Preston.

I only had to cast my mind back to Friday night when, having completed the Newark to Edinburgh leg of my train journey, I boarded the Helensburgh train at Waverley. As I settled into my seat I was aware of a ruddy complexioned round face smiling at me from the opposite aisle about three rows down.

“Awsafuckinsaletginafertyswackolly” was what I think he said, but having spent two seconds attempting to decipher it I thought it best that I avoid eye contact with him for the duration of the journey.

“Awsafuckinsaletginafertyswackolly” he said again, this time a bit louder and adding ‘big man’ on to the end.

As the train pulled out of Waverley, there was a loud fssssssstt sound and an expression of frustration and annoyance from the nutter. “Fuxxxake!” he said as some precious White Ace Cider from his 1.5 litre green plastic bottle fizzed over and on to the plastic wrapping around……a plant from Marks and Spencer; presumably a peace offering for Mrs Nutter.

The Nutter proceeded to drink the whole bottle between Waverley and Drumgelloch, a suburb of Airdrie, probably the location for chez Nutter.

“Awsafuckinsaletginafertyswackolly” he said in his valedictory announcement before disembarkation.

I assume that there is a Marks and Spencer plant now decorating a window in Drumgelloch. Either that or there’s a broken window where the Marks and Spencer plant flew through it……….

More details on the Preston train nutter tomorrow.

I’m off down south again in the morning.

Thank goodness I’m going by plane this time.


5 Responses

  1. Don’t you get nutters on planes, then?

  2. Put a football scarf and some can of beer on the table. Nobody will sit near you.

    • When a very attractive friend of mine is aware a stranger is about to hit on her (she has excellent radar), she keeps her gaze averted, lets her finger stray into one of her nostrils, and voila: peace & quiet is restored to her journey.

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