Dear Mr Smith
Thank you for your order of a bag of dog food which I finally managed to deliver to your home last night. If I may be so bold perhaps I could explain the reason for some of the questions we asked you on receipt of the order, and maybe offer a few hints so that your delivery experience may be even quicker next time.
The reason we ask customers for their phone number is in case there may be a problem with the delivery, for example an unforeseen delay or a problem finding your address. This was particularly relevant in the ambient conditions yesterday which were probably the worst in the last forty years or so.
I appreciate that in these days of mobile phones, stored phone directories, pin codes and passwords it can be difficult to recall a number but I was quite surprised by your response of “Ah huvnae a clue” when asked for your contact details.
Similarly I realise that the addition of a postcode to an address can cause confusion and bewilderment to a section of the population. The reason we asked you for this was for simplification in the satnav process of finding your house. It seemed however that you hadn’t realised that postcodes had reached your part of the world if your quizical expression to my assistant was anything to go by.
As we sell dog foods manufactured by over 50 different companies and within those there may be a range of between five and ten in each, “Just gie me the stuff ah goat the last time” may not be of sufficient definition for us to know which of these foods you require.
Your street is quite a challenge. This may seem a bit left field and innovative but I have a suggestion. Could you and your neighbours perhaps do emergency and social services, taxis, delivery persons and postmen a favour? Could you, (or even some of you) display your numbers on your doors please? This would perhaps provide some people with a clue as to which address they were looking for. Even if you can’t meet the expense of those purpose made plastic numbers from the ironmongers, how about writing them with a marker pen on the door?
Also if you are not going to be in at the time of delivery, perhaps arrange with a neighbour to take delivery and leave us a note to that effect?
The first neighbour I did ask said something along the lines of “awayanfuyershelyafuunbassa” but fortunately the person on the other side was more accommodating. I was left with the perhaps unfair impression that he might have the nefarious intention of feeding it to his own rather large and imposing canine companion so I would urge you to retrieve it quickly.
The Dug Food Man