• November 2010
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Tips for Life

Via TBLFP’s north east correspondent Ken Fitlike

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5.A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6.If you have a bad cough,take a large dose of laxatives. This will make your body too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Just remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 + Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.


Another Bore of the Year Contender

Reviewing the evidence and questioning at the ongoing perjury trial at Glasgow High Court, the words of an occasional correspondent here came back to mind.

“You just know, that if Sheridan or people like him got power, and created a workers paradise, Tommy would have his dacha in Arran or wherever, and his big motor wheeling him off to his various liaisons there, while the rest of us pressed our noses against the windows of the beriozka shops.”

Every caricature of the (extreme) left seems to be surfacing with each passing day.

Backstabbing, infighting, jealousy, plotting, personality cults, duplicity etc.

Playground style insults fly back and forth. Infantile gestures and events are revealed.

These people will never properly organise to fight the (worst excesses of) capitalism. They’re too busy fighting amongst themselves.

Even if they did assume power it’s a near certainty we’d end up with something infinitely worse.

Bore of the Year (Part 1888)

One wonders if Celtic, or Neil Lennon have in fact ever benefited in a match from a wrong decision by Dougie MacDonald, or indeed any ref, or the intervention of or consultation with an assistant. Perish the thought that there would be any professional who would claim a foul had been committed where there was none, to get a fellow pro sent off.

The Old Firm BOTH get more of the decisions than other teams because of the lumpen baying mobs that howl in anguish at every nuance against them – real or perceived.

Fans of other clubs and neutrals know this and that is why the Celtic crusade is gathering no support from outwith their own ranks.

Was the now famous incident a penalty? No it wasn’t. Did Celtic win the game? Yes they did.

So McDonald gave a wrong decision, realised immediately and changed it and like most folk at their work tried to cover up his mistake with an explanation that was economical with the truth.

So he should resign?