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Jokes Only Understood in Scotland

These are from my correspondent and harmonica pupil Dylan. If you aren’t from Scotland, don’t even try!

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
‘Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken’
‘Okay,’ says her dad. ‘Where are you ringing from?
‘Fae my knickers tae ma feet. ‘

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
‘Comfy?’asks the dentist.
‘Govan,’ she replies.

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’
‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter’
‘That’s affa dear,’ says the guy.
‘Aye yer right!’ replies the bloke

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He’s awa’ noo.

After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal he’ll be wearing the kilt.
‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks his mate.
‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,’

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one’s a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
his sister from a telephone box. So he
calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
‘Is there money in the box?
‘Naw, it’s just me,’ he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
‘Do you think I’m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?’
And he says: ‘Aye, but that’s why I love you like a doo.’

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

‘What’s the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud.’
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: ‘Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe..

Did you hear about the new reality BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It’s called The Aw’ Needin’ Line.

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
‘What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?’ ‘I’d put him off at
the next stop,’ he says. ‘Good. And what would you do if you couldn’t
get the fare?’ ‘I’d take the first two weeks in August,’ he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative – ‘Aye right.’

A Glasgow man – steaming and skint – is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
‘What’s up Jimmy?’ he asks.
‘Piston broke,’ he replies
‘Aye, same as masel…

9 Responses

  1. Very funny. I thought the post was going to be about Alex Salmond.

  2. That’s an excellent collection Rab but missing my favourite.

    A Glasgow woman goes into a bakers and says
    ‘Excuse me son, is that a doughnut or a meringue?”
    Baker replies:
    ‘Naw, hen. You’re right enough. It is a doughnut’

  3. what aboutt…

    3 cows in a field, which one is on holiday?

    the one with the wee calf

  4. John and Michael: The auld yins are the best!

    Welcome John, nice to hear from you.

  5. Or, ‘Wummin goes into the bakers. Baker says, ‘Ken Wa’s deed’. Wummin replies, ‘ Didna ken he wisni well.’

  6. Which reminds me of the wee woman from the north east who was careful with the pennies. She went to the local paper to place an intimation that her husband had died. ‘Up to eight words is £25 and after that it’s £5 per word’ says the receptionist.

    Wee woman writes ‘Jimmy Reid fae Peterheid deid’. ‘Hold on’ says the receptionist ‘you still have three words you can add’
    Wee woman takes card back and writes ‘Jimmy Reid fae Peterheid deid. Volvo for sale’

  7. A wee Glesga wummin goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his bumcheeks aimed at an electric fire.

    The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, “Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?”

    “Naw,” replies the butcher. “Ah’m jist warmin ma haunds.”

  8. Or the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

    Bing sings and Walt Disney.

  9. The fella getting married in his kilt – would that be to establish from the first day of marriage who WON’T be wearing the pants in the family?

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