• February 2010
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Erra Macaroon Bars anna Spearmint!

Does anyone know why the guys who would frequent football terraces selling sweets from cardboard boxes in my youth confined themselves to these two particular genres?

This was just a Scottish thing wasn’t it?

Pratt Appeal

Could the altruistic “National Bullying Helpline” in fact have been registered by a perhaps not so altruistic bunch of parasitical bastards making money out of peoples’ misery legal specialists ?

As for Ms Pratt, could she perhaps be related to the Ms Pratt, the appellant in this case ? Whose conduct was described thus:
” (Ms Pratt) thrust her face into his and screamed “Communicate!” very loudly and directly into his ear. Mr Roberts found this very painful and was profoundly shocked by her conduct.”

Surely not!

I never liked Gordon Brown but my sympathy is increasing for him by the hour.

Bully Broon?

The following quotes are from the Home Page of the National Bullying Helpline website.

DAVID CAMERON MP: “Stamping out bullying in the workplace and elsewhere is a vital objective. Not only can bullying make people’s lives a misery, but it harms business and wider society too. So I congratulate the National Bullying Helpline for its efforts to give practical support to those being bullied, and to make bullying a thing of the past”.

The Rt Hon ANN WIDDECOMBE MP: “I very much hope your project is successful because I think that where genuine bullying is taking place the mental stress can be very serious, and a poisoned atmosphere in a working or learning environment can take all the joy out of each and every day”. November 2009.

Now using your skill and judgment, can you come up with any reason why Mrs Christine Pratt (real name) of the helpline would go public about calls made in confidence to her charity’s helpline relating to the Prime Minister’s office?

I’m mystified.

Wii Bully

Big Bully?

Gordon Brown – Shocking New Picture!

More Overheard in Glasgow

From the hilarious Facebook Group of that name.

“I was standing outside a line of shops in Thornliebank early in the morning during a snow storm. In the distance l could see a wee guy struggling through the snow heading towards me. As he passed me he said “its taken me hauf an hoor tae walk five fuckin minutes”

“A Scotrail inspector who had been asked to inspect the conditions in the gentlemans restroom: “Thae toilets are a pure disgrace, its like a shithoose in there!”

“My mother was on a bus going through Cambuslang, the bus was full, standing room only. A midget gets on and a white tracky wearing ned in front of my mum offers the midget his seat. The midget takes great offense to this and starts calling the ned all the names under the sun, shouting about how he isn’t disabled etc, e…tc. The ned says nothing. A few stop later the midget makes his way to the door to get off when the ned shouts to him “Here Big Man, Ah hope when you get up the road Snow White boots your Bawz!!!”

“Wifie being served in the bank in springburn just today, chatting away with the teller about her family and how her aunts were twins. “are they identical?” asks the teller, “Ah’m no sure” she answered”

“See you, gauny take yer face fur a Happy Meal?”

“About 5 mins ago in RBS Aye eh… mind a put £20 in tae close ma account and a wrote that hing oan that hing…have you still goat the hing cos I’ll need it back noo know whit a mean? I think I speak for everyone when I reply eh…naw.”

At Hampden, Hearts supporter to Female Mounted police, “that horse looks f*cked!” Weegie coppers reply ” If you had been between my legs for 5 hours, you would looked f*cked ‘n aw!”

“Whit did ye dae fur the wife fur Valentine’s then Tam?”
“Ah dried the dishes”.
Two greetin’ faced characters in The Horseshoe Bar.

Pet Mammon?

My thanks to Kenny MacAulay for this fantastic site Eternal Earthbound Pets which promises Christians that their pets will be cared for in the event of The Rapture occurring.

“You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable.
For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends”

Hmmmmmm, I’ve had a sudden idea for expanding the business!

Send The Marines

This comes via Michael Greenwell’s excellent blog and features songwriter Tom Lehrer from the late 50′s. He wrote songs in a kind of Gilbert and Sullivan style often making a political or moral point. Michael points out that you hear an audience reaction at 18-21 seconds which means that some people took him literally and didn’t actually realise he was taking the pee. See Americans? See irony?

Mind Numbing Keich!

I have been banished from the kitchen with my laptop as the kids have some friends in and they’re having some pizza. I normally stay clear of the living room on a Saturday night as the panoply of reality/game show/other shite on the telly is something to be avoided.

However the kids had left the TV on and I am currently exposed to something called “Let’s Dance for Sport Relief” which seems to combine the worlds of game shows, charity, celebrity and panel voting.


No wonder the world is in the state it’s in when millions of people deliberately watch this kind of fucking tripe for entertainment.

I’ve just turned it off.

It’s brilliant.

When it stops.

Love That Burns

I attended my first ever Burns supper last night and thoroughly enjoyed it. I’d been asked to perform a song and chose Green Grow the Rashes O (performed here by Michael Marra -who seems to have a Frank Spencer thing going on)

I introduced a twist and with the aid of harmonica rack (I was also playing guitar) played a blues solo in the middle. It was pretty seamless as folk music and poetry is from the heart and evokes similar emotions the world over. Simple yet emotional. For instance think of My Love is Like a Red Red Rose, probably one of the finest love songs ever written. It is nearly all composed of one syllable words.
My performance seemed to go down pretty well and I got an invite to two more suppers for next year as a guest. Singing for my supper indeed.

I thoroughly enjoyed the other performers on the night – one of whom was an old music teacher of mine who I hadn’t seen for probably 35 years.

One recited the poem Willie Wastle

Willie Wastle dwalt on Tweed,
The spot they ca’d it Linkumdoddie.
Willie was a wabster guid
Could stown a clue wi onie body.
He had a wife was dour and din,
O, Tinkler Maidgie was her mither!
Sic a wife as Willie had,
I wad na gie a button for her.

She has an e’e (she has but ane),
The cat has twa the very colour,
Five rusty teeth, forbye a stump,
A clapper-toungue wad deave a miller;
A whiskin beard about her mou,
Her nose and chin they threaten ither:
Sic a wife as Willie had,
I wad na gie a button for her.

She’s bow-hough’d, she’s hem-shin’d,
Ae limpin leg a hand-breed shorter;
She’s twisted right, she’s twisted left,
To balance fair in ilka quarter;
She has a hump upon her breast,
The twin o that upon her shouther:
Sic a wife as Willie had,
I wad na gie a button for her.

Auld baudrans by the ingle sits,
An wi her loof her face a-washin;
But Willie’s wife is nae sae trig,
She dights her frunzie wi a hushion;
Her walie nieves like midden-creels,
Her face wad fyle the Logan Water:
Sic a wife as Willie had,
I wad na gie a button for her

For a translation Go Here

Two further highlights were the Immortal memory (including this quote from Albert Pike: “What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal”) and a superb rendition of the following Robert Service poem, The Cremation of Sam McGhee. I’ve enjoyed this Youtube version for a while despite the guy’s resemblance to Jim Royle!

On the Bru

I see Irn Bru have continued their sponsorship of the SFL for another three years. With companies everywhere cutting back on sponsorship, it’s great that Barrs are keeping up their association with provincial football in Scotland.

They can have a free ad courtesy of this blog!


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