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Message for Iain Gray

Silent majority my arse.

That’s all.

Why Men Should Never Be Agony Aunts

Dear Roger.

I hope you can help me.

The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house
watching TV. I hadn’t driven more than a Kilometer down the road
when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband’s help.

When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom
with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 32,my husband is 34, and the
neighbours’ daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had
been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop
or I would leave him.

He was made redundant six months ago and he
says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counselling and I’m
afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.

Can you help?

Sincerely, Sheila.

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by
a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there
is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum
pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all
grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could
be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery
pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Roger.

A Monkey? You’re Avin’ a Laugh!

From pocket lint.com

A cash machine operator in east London has introduced Cockney rhyming slang to its ATMs. People using machines from “Bank Machine” will have the option to get everything in a more authentic dialect.

london-cash-machines-go-cockney-0

Instead of asking for your pin, you’ll be asked for your “Huckleberry Finn”, and then you’ll be prompted as to how much “Sausage and Mash” you’d like to take out. You can ask for a “Speckled Hen”, rather than £10, and the ATM will contact your “Rattle and Tank” for confirmation.

It’s undoubtedly a gimmick, and it’s only going to be in place for a few months, but it’s a bit of fun. “Whilst we expect some residents will visit the machine to just have a “butcher’s”, most will be genuinely pleased as this is the first time a financial services provider will have recognised the Cockney language in such a manner”, said Ron Delnevo, managing director of Bank Machine.

More usefully, the machines – which normally charge a £1.50 transaction fee – will be free to use during the promotion.

Coming soon no doubt the Scots version. “Ye’ve entered the wrang number ya tumshie!” “Insufficient funds ya scunner!” “This wan’s f****d son!” “Ye’ve been charged hee-haw for us gie’n ye yer ain siller” etc. etc.

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